As bodybuilders, we face challenges that the "normal" of society do not. I've often likened myself to a leper, and were it not for my size and stature, I am certain I would have been stoned to death by a motley crew of frightened citizens by now. The world is not made for us, nor is it very accepting of those that have the temerity to pursue this sport we call bodybuilding. But what if things were different? What if we lived in a perfect bodybuilding world.

Excuse me, are you a bouncer?

As of late, I've heard this question, or variations of it, everywhere I go. Quite honestly, it's getting a bit old. Yes, I'm big. Lately, my physical magnitude has grown quite significantly, as my intake of pharmaceuticals of late has been, shall we say, voracious. And even I must grudgingly admit that I don't look like someone who would make a living as a writer and publisher. At 310 lbs, shaved head and goatee, I definitely don't look like the Good Humor Man. To make matters worse, I used to be a bouncer. However, that was in college, and I had to pay the bills. I'm sure the people asking me these questions would be surprised that I can spell college, much less that I actually attended one.

I can only assume that this is a common problem amongst bodybuilders of significant physical magnitude. My biggest quandary in this situation is how to respond. Do I politely inform the asking party that I'm not a bouncer, rather, that I publish an online magazine dedicated to covering bodybuilding and performance enhancement? Of course not. Such a question is borne out of ignorance, and as such, requires an equally ignorant answer. By no means am I saying that you should confirm the inquisitors belief that you're an idiot. However, rather than taking the time to explain to the asking party the true nature of your employment, you should take this opportunity to have a little fun.

Maybe I've got too much time on my hands, but one of my biggest pleasures in life is thinking of witty retorts to the moronic questions I'm undoubtedly going to face because of the way I look. Before I proceed any further with this topic, I have to share with new AE readers the all time classic response to an oft asked question of bodybuilders, "Do you take steroids?"

"You know, I'm sure the moment you saw me, the first thing that popped into your head was 'That guy takes steroids'. Well, when I saw you, the first thing that popped into my head was 'pedophile'. You'll notice I had the curtsey not to ask you if you fucked children."

Use this response at your discretion, as doing so is probably not going to win you the Mr. Congeniality award. I find it best to whip this one out when approached by a total stranger in a situation that has nothing to do with bodybuilding. Back to the topic at hand, I've found the following retorts invaluable at quickly turning the tables on an unsuspecting nitwit

Actually no, I'm a contract killer out on parole- This is a good response if you're in a hurry and simply looking to scare the shit out of the asking party. This shouldn't be done in a menacing manner, rather, say it as politely and nonchalantly as possible, as if killing people as about as big a deal to you as wiping your ass.

No, I'm a test subject for a major supplement company- Invariably, this will cause the initiating party to press you for more information, like what supplement company and what supplements in particular. It's always fun to convince some idiot that your size is due entirely to some worthless supplement, like creatine serum or ZMA. Be sure to follow this up with directions to the latest GNC, so you're absolutely positive the moron (or morons if it were) are paying top dollar. If you have a vested interest in a particular supplement line, I suppose this would be a good way to drum up business. I can only imagine that TC Luoma and Tim Patterson endorse Biotest in such a fashion when they are peppered with questions because of their brutal size.

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Music is a powerful force. Music can inspire you, it can teleport you back in time, and can stir your emotions, and sometimes, it can cause the panties to drop. There's nothing more satisfying when you're laying down on a flat bench, getting ready to unrack an Olympic bar filled with 45's, to hear a great rock song start pounding over the gym speakers. It's like acoustic ephedrine, empowering you to lift more weight than you thought possible.

But not all music is good. And music's powerful force can be used for evil in the wrong hands. Let's take my gym for instance. In his infinite wisdom, the owner of my gym allows the employees at the front desk pick the music. And since most of the employees at the front desk consist primarily of pubescent teenage girls, gym members like myself are subjected to the most God-awful, uninspiring music currently available. Imagine getting ready for a set of heavy squats only to have Brittany Spears start singing Ooops I did it Again. Pop music is my personal kryptonite.

I had a discussion about Pop Music the other day with Carol. When the latest Pop piece of crap came on the radio, I asked her if she actually liked the song. She responded with, "No, it's too played out". Think about that for a moment. Have you ever heard someone say they didn't like a Led Zepplin song because it was "played out"? Does classic Van Halen ever get "played out"? And when was the last time you heard a classic radio station that played all the old Pop Classics? You haven't, because there's no such thing.

Lately, we've seen a few so-called reality TV shows that have given us surprising insight into the Pop Music industry. These shows generally follow the same pattern. A national talent search puts 4 or 5 males or females together to sing manufactured Pop songs. Typically, these people are chosen more on the basis of looks than actual talent, if Johnny is able to make the girls panties wet, or if Suzie will be the source of masturbatory fantasies for thousands of pubescent males, they're in. Once the group is formed, they've got about 5 minutes to practice, sing, and record their latest bit of drivel. And subsequently, young adults by the millions go out and by this fluff like so many lemmings.

In all honestly, I'd prefer not to be subjected to this crap, especially when I'm attempting to move heavy weights. Call me crazy, but I'd rather listen to music that was borne out innate musical talent, not something that was created by two 50 year old record execs while they were getting blown at the pool by the very artist that will ultimately sing the songs. "Oh yeah Brittany, that's good. Keep it up baby, you're going to have a real hit on your hands this time."

In my perfect bodybuilding world, Pop Music would be banned from all health clubs. Ok, I guess 24 Hour Fitness could play it, as no self-respecting bodybuilder would be caught dead in one of those places. Moreover, Pop Music would be banned period, as the last thing I need to hear on the radio when I'm trying to recover from a tough quad workout is N-Sync or P-Diddy (is he serious with this name?). Pop Music stars would become a hunted species, and who wouldn't want one of the Backstreet Boys mounted and hanging over their fireplace?

"Oh yes, that was back on safari back in 2002 when I bagged that Joey Fatone. Beautiful specimen, isn't it?"

I'm sorry sir, but we can't allow you to purchase that shirt

Like all of you, I have a devil of a time finding clothes. And more often than not, I end up buying clothes that are both uncomfortable and unstylish at the same time. Sure, I can be comfortable if every item of clothing is purchased from Max Muscle or Crazee Wear, but then I run the risk of becoming one of "those" bodybuilders, you know the kind that show up at your wedding in a pair of clown pants and a boat top.

I don't know which is worse. Not being able to find clothes that fit, or seeing the clothes that should being worn by guys who weigh 120 lbs soaking wet. I'm convinced that clothing should be sold only on a rewards type system, and the better your body looks, the more stylish clothing you're allowed to purchase.

This would certainly spell an end to several problems. Like the fact that when I buy clothes, it appears as if I'm trying to show off. Hey, I like the shirt, ok? Why don't you manufacture it in something larger than an XL? Not only does walking around in clothes that are too tight make you look like an idiot, but it's damn hot as well. I sweat like a 5-year old at a NAMBLA convention because my clothes are always too tight.

Second problem that would be solved is people wearing wife beater who have no business wearing them in the first place. Hey, I've got nothing against the wife beater. No one ever looked cooler than Arnold Schwarzenegger when he wore a wife beater in Raw Deal and The Running Man. But there's a far cry from Arnie wearing one of these and your teenage son who loves to harass me at the mall. What's up with these kids? Pants 10 sizes too big, and an XS wife beater that still looks like a company-sized tent hanging off their shoulder.

And what's with these skinny guys wearing these tight club shirts? Hey pal, I can see your heart beating through that thing. Ronnie Coleman looks cool in one of these shirts, the average skinny dork looks like a complete idiot. It's kinda like fins on the back of cars. A fin on the back of a Porsche or Ferrari is appropriate. A fin on your 1990 Yugo is not.

I think it's high time that clerks took it upon themselves to police the sales of certain types of clothing. Furthermore, clothing manufacturers should be given tax breaks for producing clothes in XXL-Insane X sizes. If you're skinny and don't work out, you should only be allowed to buy plaid shirts and Toughskin jeans. As you get bigger and bigger, your clothing choices open up. At least, that's how it would be in a perfect bodybuilding world.