March 23, 2001
Issue # 39

HOW NOT TO LOOK LIKE A JACKASS IN THE GYM
by Mathew Irish

Although on the surface, the premise of this article might seem as though it is ridicule ignorant people (and indeed, to the vets here it might be) the purpose of this article is to make you take a look at those wonderful training habits that you might be exhibiting. Think of us here at AE as your dear friend who tells you when your fly is unzipped or you have spinach caught in your teeth. We could keep our mouths shut because we think its funny, but hey, we’re looking out for you.  If you are any of these people, or a combination of these people, please, change your evil ways because people in the know really do think that you are an unbelievably large jackass. Don’t be that guy.
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The Wifebeater Guy

We all know at least ten of these guys. You know, the guys who couldn't afford a whole shirt, or one that even fit for that matter. The sad thing is that for these guys to find wifebeaters that are too small, they have to shop in the children's section. A true wifebeater guy doesn't just wear a wifebeater, no, he wears a sweat-stained wifebeater.  He couldn't set aside the $5.88 for a pack of three Hanes A-shirts at Walmart, more than likely because he just spent all his money on Muscletech products and Weight Gainer 7500. The solution to this problem is readily evident: Hanes Colored A-Shirts. Colored A-Shirts offer all the advantages of a wifebeater without the negative social stigma. Sure, they might cost two more dollars a package, but upon closer inspection this is one of the best investments you will make in your quest for a better body. The coloring not only makes the shirt more stylish, it also alleviates that bothersome staining problem. One word of caution though, now that you have delved into the exciting world of color, it is still entirely possible to look like a jackass. You must make sure that your top matches your britches. I have a hard time with this myself, so, I simply pop a Richard Simmons video (Sweating to the..... Jesus, where did we find all these fat bitches and how do we keep them from dying from heart attacks? Volume 3) and within minutes I have absorbed enough raw, scathing homosexuality to select my attire for the rest of the week. However, I must warn you, never do this before a workout, and never, ever do this when you are going to be around the gay guy.
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The Gay Guy

I like being ogled by homosexuals as much as the next guy, I mean its nice to know that I would have options if I decided to bat for the other team, but this guy is ridiculous. First of all, I like my homosexuals flaming. There is a certain amount of trust due to a homosexual who is way out of the closet (in fact he's entirely out of the house and at a rest stop, which as everyone knows are the bath houses of the next millennium). You always know where you stand with those guys. I am not homophobic in the least. If that's what floats your boat, hey, more power to you. It would be no different if I was disturbed by a fat middle aged woman staring at my ass as though it were a piece of good, wholesome, man meat to be devoured at her earliest convenience, possibly with a side of fries (she is after all, a big fat woman, and she didn't get that way by eating tuna and chicken breast) during which time my inhibitions were suddenly erased and I gave in ....(Oh, fat middle aged women, where have you been all my life?), but I digress. Anyway, back to the gay guy; this guy is one of those discreet homosexuals. You know, it’s alright to drop the soap once, but God help you if you drop it twice, discreet. If a man were to stare at a woman like this, she would tell all her friends that I, I mean he, was a pervert which is the worst thing a woman can possibly do to a man because it basically ensures that he will never get laid in that particular state (this is why I stay out of TX, NY, and GA). We heterosexual males have no real recourse other than telling our borderline heterosexual friends (we all have some) just in case they choose to embrace that love that dare not speak its name.
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The Spandex Woman

Let me preface this by saying that spandex bottoms should come in two sizes, S and XS. Perhaps if a woman is over, say, 5'10" she might be allowed to wear a medium. I have a theory that the companies who produce Spandex trunks in sizes larger than this are owned by women secretly trying to drive us out of the gym and back to our more effeminate duties, such as mini-van driving, and selling the kids to white slave traders, you know, woman stuff. (if you have seen a woman in size XXL spandex you know what I mean).  I am all for squatting until I puke but the hypnotic Jello-like motions which induce the most profound nausea imaginable are simply unjustifiable, and besides, every time I see something like that it takes around two weeks for my balls to drop out of my stomach, and that is a very uneasy feeling. On a positive note, if you happen to come across a pair of unoccupied XXL trunks, you would be amazed at how far you can launch a Volvo, I mean, damn.

Note: the aforementioned does not apply to Spandex tops. Spandex tops are one of those things we should be grateful to God (And the Lord God Almighty Jesus Christ of Nazareth smiled upon man and said, "Let there be spandex tops, and tube tops as well, and there were Spandex tops and tube tops) for allowing to happen. As far as Spandex tops go, assuming that the bottom half of the wearer fits the previous criteria, the bigger the better.
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The Uniform Guy

Not only does this guy take it upon himself to wear the wifebeater as previously mentioned, he always wears the "uniform". He will always, and I mean always, come to the gym in a wifebeater and Adidas pants. Oh, he might mix up the pants (black with red stripes on Monday, red with black stripes on Tuesday) but he will always be clad in some sort of Adidas pants. I have the benefit of training at a university gym so I get to see an extraordinary number of these guys. These guys will more than likely train in small packs, like, for example, five or six. They can occupy a piece of machinery for up to and including five days. These guys almost always are wearing some sort of necklace. I would advise against this because you can all imagine how uncomfortable it would be to have that necklace ground into you neck while doing squats.....wait a minute, did I mention squats and these guys in the same sentence? Well, that was certainly a mistake. They might be in the power rack, but I guarantee you they are curling.
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The Microwave Person

We all know a person like this too. It can be the middle of January and this person will look like they volunteered for some sort of radical radiation treatment. I can see having a moderate tan, especially if you a stripper, or something of that sort, but why do you want to glow in the dark? At least they won't have to worry about stubbing their toes anymore.
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The Stinky Guy

I don't know where these guys keep coming from (actually the stinky guy in our gym is from Pakistan, so I know where he came from) but good lord people, this is the 21st century. This is not the middle ages. Do you see piles of bodies lying out in the street? No. Well maybe, but those people were foolish enough to take a Twinkie within one hundred feet of a Jenny Craig convention. That is really more natural selection acting on the intellectually inferior than anything else, and it is certainly not the bubonic plague.  In any event, take a shower, use that deodorant, or if that shirt stands up by itself, please wash it. Seriously, would you appreciate it if I went to your house and smelled like Lever 2000? I think not.
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The Screaming Guy

Every gym has at least one screaming guy. This is the guy in the gym who feels the adolescent need to tell everyone what he is doing. You will hear things like (to be read in screaming voice), "Left leg, yeah work it, Right leg, push it out baby! Pull, baby, pull! Now that the way you put your damn pants on! Hey, did everyone see that? I can do it again if you didn't." Occasionally, the screaming guy will be a counter. We all know the counters. Counters are notorious for being the 1/10 of a range of motion guys, but a full description of that will come later. There are really only two good reasons to scream in a gym. The first is if you are in danger of becoming injured or injuring someone else. The second, and this is unlikely, is spontaneous combustion. I don't think that anyone will hold a scream against you if you see fit to burst into flames but maybe the gym that I train at isn’t really hardcore.
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The 1/10 of a Range of Motion Guy

Twenty-five percent of all the trainees in your gym fall into this category on one lift or another. The favorite lift of the 1/10 RMG is the leg press. The 1/10 RMG guy is often overhead saying things like, "I can't believe this damn gym doesn't have anymore 45's," or, "Hey, can you sit on this for me? The sled won't hold anymore plates." Then with an effort to match any childbirth the sled is slowly lowered: one inch, one and a half inches, oh dear lord, he's possessed, two inches, wait, wait, he's turning it around and he finishes with only a partial coronary arrest and two pulled hamstrings.
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The Superman Guy

This guy is noted for saying things like, "Well, since it's my first day in gym, ever, I think that I should work in with those bald, oily, vascular 250-pounders over there," and when someone asks what weight he wants to use, he just says, "How much is that on the bar, I would hate to have to take any weights off." The superman guy is the bastard who only benches 160 but asks you to spot him at 250 so, naturally, you get to train legs on your arm day. These are also the guys who put 315 on the squat rack and take turns seeing who can lift if off the rack and scoff (scoff, scoff) at proper form. 

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The Severely Injured Guy

See above.
 

As I mentioned before, the purpose of this article was not to degrade anyone but rather, to make us look at ourselves in a very deep and introspective manner. You see, we all lose perspective at times. You might find yourself slipping into the screaming guy role, or perhaps you are slowly becoming the 1/10 of a range of motion guy. This article is an intervention. I know that you want to be helped, we all do. We here at AE will do everything in our power to help you in your long and incredibly difficult road to recovery. We will be there when you burn your wife beaters, or squat past parallel, and we will be there to delouse you when you just can’t make yourself do it.. We are in this together, but you have to take that first step. There is still hope.

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