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2000:
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April
2000
Things That Bug Me Well, it's May and summer is just around the corner. I'm sure that many of you are scrambling to shed that winter blubber since you'll soon be lying next to a body of water, sans shirt, hoping to impress members of both sexes with your physique. I've already started, in fact I'm poolside, typing this on my laptop. Ahh, the wonders of modern technology. I thought long and hard what to write about for this months intro. Quite frankly, I was stumped for several days on this one. Things are going well at AE, we've got Grendel writing for us now, the supplement line is nearing completion, and lots of exciting things are in the works. Grendel and I are collaborating on a book that we're hoping to have finished by mid-August, a project we're hoping will result in the Holy Bible of bodybuilding. With everything that's going on it's sometimes difficult to stay focused and just write. Fortunately, I can always fall back on my abilities to impotently piss and moan about the travesties of the world. And since this is a bodybuilding publication, I've got to focus on what's wrong with the sport, right? So, without further ado, here is my look at some of the things that are wrong with bodybuilding. Enjoy. Problem
#1 Not true with MuscleMag. Oh no, anyone picking up MuscleMag who actually takes the time to read the cover instead of rapidly flipping to the T&A section is going to be led to believe this is a hardcore publication. Each issue promises, but fails to deliver, the real stories in bodybuilding, the cutting edge information that is going to take you from Mr. Puniverse to Mr. Universe. Instead, what are we getting? Page after page of thinly disguised ads for MuscleTech products. Pages and pages of scantily clad bikini models, most of whom probably don't even know what a gym looks like, and whose diet consists of daily visits to McDonalds with a healthy line of crank for desert. Hey, I like looking at ass as much as the next guy, but isn't this a bodybuilding publication? At least Flex uses legitimate fitness models for their pictorials. MuscleMag International recently started a new column dedicated to dispensing sexual advice to wayward bodybuilders. I guess Greg Zulak was so inundated with mail asking for his expert opinion on matters related to sex that they felt the need to hire an additional writer to take some of the burden off of Greg's shoulders. Let me ask you guys a serious question. Have you ever seen pictures of Bob Kennedy, Johnny Fitness, or Greg Zulak? After viewing their pictures, did you feel you had just seen the visages of sexual experts, men so desired by women that they've laid more pipe than Wilt Chamberlain? Let me be blunt. No self-respecting male who has ever gotten to first base in his life would ever write someone like Greg Zulak for sexual advice. Now, if Frank Sepe was writing such a column, he could probably dispense some great advice, because Frank has to beat the babes off with a stick. Sadly, the only beating Greg Zulak engages in is the flogging of his privates. Enough said. Problem
#2 The use of performance enhancing drugs becomes commonplace as you near the upper echelons of almost any sport. Bodybuilding is certainly no exception, in fact, it's probably the worst sport there is in terms of abuse of steroids and other growth agents. This is generally accepted by those of us who consider ourselves bodybuilders, a necessary evil one must engage in the pursuit of that perfect physique. It has always been my goal to tell the truth in our coverage of some of the more controversial aspects of the sport, and I think we've accomplished that rather difficult task. Unfortunately, no matter how many times we address these issues, there is a certain segment of the bodybuilding community that only sees one thing: steroids will make me bigger. Despite our warnings of various side effects, despite our urgings to wait until you have peaked naturally, despite our attempts to provide athletes with as many free resources as possible to educate themselves on every aspect of the sport, there is a small minority (I hope anyway) of vocal individuals who can't wait to start taking drugs so they can look like the men in the magazines. It's quite upsetting to me that I get emails from people like this on a daily basis. For the longest time, I felt a strong compulsion to address these individuals personally, hoping to dissuade them from the wrong course of action or correct any misconceptions they may have about the use of certain pharmaceuticals. Recently, my attitude has changed. Maybe I'm becoming jaded, maybe I just can't keep trying to help those who choose not to help themselves. There's only so many times I can tell someone I have no idea how much weight they're going to put on during their first cycle. There are only so many times I can tell a 19 year old kid with three months of training under his belt that using steroids is a bad idea. Anabolic Extreme was created to inform and entertain bodybuilders and athletes from neophytes to seasoned veterans. The information is there if you just take the time to educate yourself. Obviously there are always going to be a few guys that just don't get it. Problem
#3 God knows I love muscle. I'm of the freakier is better camp, to me there's nothing better than seeing a top pro like Nasser or Coleman in the offseason, guest posing as big as a house. It's also refreshing to talk to athletes like this, who don't have an attitude simply because their body is more developed than 99.9% of the people on the planet. You have to accept bodybuilding for what it is, the pursuit of an individual physical ideal. For some this entails competing onstage at a bodyweight of 280 lbs, while for others it's simply maintaining a lean, aesthetic physique. Whatever your vision of physical perfection, it's important to realize that we're not curing cancer here people. I respect the hard work that goes into creating a sculpted body, the countless hours spent in the gym, the rigorous diet, etc. I also understand that having a muscular body does not make you a better person than someone who does not. I've been fortunate to be blessed with some fairly good genetics. I've been able to achieve a level of muscularity that most people will never experience. While I have spent my fair share of time in the gym and at the dinner table pounding the chow, I owe most of my bodybuilding successes to my parent, and ultimately God himself. I enjoy being big, I enjoy the attention I get (for the most part) when I'm in public, but I've always tried to never have an attitude because I'm a bigger person. I've known plenty of bodybuilders who are really lousy people despite the fact that they have outstanding physiques. Steroid bullies give the rest of us bodybuilders a bad name. Their ridiculous antics cause everyone in the sport to be colored with the same prejudicial brush. Muscle does not give anyone the right to carry a chip on their shoulder, and ego's shouldn't inflate at the same rate as a synthol-laden bicep. If you've managed to develop an awesome physique, I applaud you. I respect the time and effort you've spent to create your body. Always remember that as a bodybuilder, you're an ambassador to the sport, and represent bodybuilders at large. If you're an asshole, I'm labeled as an asshole too! Problem
#4 Let me relate a common gym scenario that's happened to me on more than one occasion. For whatever reason, when you're in a new club, seeking a membership, the person who's signing you up never fails to ask the question. You know what I'm talking about. "So, have you been working out?" Every time this has happened to me, it almost leaves me speechless. How do you not get offended by this question? Don't I look like I've been working out? What I'd like to say is "Uhh, actually no, I was born like this. My parents did a whole lot of drugs in the sixties." Counter nazis. God forbid you walk past that counter without swiping that card. I know, I know, so what if you've seen me every day for the past two years at this time, you still need to see my goddamm card! Do these people get a bounty for every delinquent member they manage to catch in the act of sneaking past the checkpoint? Achtung!! Your papers please! My absolute favorite people in gyms are personal trainers. Now, there are really two classes of trainers. You've got the legitimate group of trainers, usually comprising a very small percentage of the total trainer population in the club. The people are properly educated, usually holding a certification from a legitimate organization, like the ACSM or ACE. They really care about their clientele, and are usually able to effect a significant physical change in their clients. The second group of trainers is in the game for one reason. The girls. You can find these idiots at places like 24 Hour Fitness, unfortunately my gym seems infested with these leaches. These are the trainers that really look like they've never touched a weight in their life, they've got the wind tunnel tested hairdo (or the black guys have their initials shaved in their head), and they only train women. God forbid you're a 45 year old male in need of assistance, these guys wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. I think they get most of their spotting techniques out of the Karma Sutra, excuse me miss, don't mind my hand up your ass, it's necessary to ensure you're getting a proper range of motion. I've got two trainers in particular at my gym that epitomize the type of moron that drives me up the wall. One (and God I hope he's reading this) is actually a professional bodybuilder, he competed in a natural show that allowed him to turn pro and was the only competitor in his class. I shit you not, I've seen his name on a list of IFBB professionals. Both of these guys wear outfits that are literally comical, I've seen the so-called pro dressed all in red with more gold than Mr. T and enough letters shaved in his head that I figured his barber doubles as a novelist. If you've got a set of breasts and a vagina, watch out, these guys are going to be all over you like white on rice. The amazing thing is, I've never seen a single client of theirs make any progress whatsoever. Well folks, it's time to pack it in until next month. Jason Meuller is going to spend the majority of the summer months locked inside his home, serving time on home arrest. That's a story that will have to wait until a later date, a much later date. All I can tell you is that as of now, I am 100% legitimate, every substance that enters my body is physician prescribed. God bless America. Meuller out. Copyright 2000 Jason Meuller and Anabolic Extreme. This material may not be copied, reproduced, or transmitted without the express written permission of the copyright owners. |
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