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November
03, 2000 |
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Nuclear
Canine Column I
woke up this morning and went through my usual routine, playing with
the cats, kicking the dog, and making myself a weight master 4000
shake.
I then sauntered into my office and began my daily ritual of
checking emails, probably the most exciting part of my day.
Let it never be said that Jason Meuller doesn't live life on
the razors edge. Since I had risen at an unusually early hour this
Sunday morning, I was still half-asleep as the emails began to
download.
However, one name in particular stood out and shook me from
my stupor. As I read this email, I was forced into an even more
alert state as I began laughing so hard that I choked on my shake
and shot protein out my nose and onto my keyboard.
The resultant electric shock was enough to decimate a heard
of rhino; fortunately I cannot be killed through conventional means.
Here's the email that caused the high calorie invasion of my
sinuses: Dear
Jason/Shawn - I
was recently alerted by a reader of my column to a "movie"
you had at your Syntrax Extreme website.
Upon going to your website and reading what you call "a
magazine" (and what most people call, "laughable"), I
came across yet another reference to Testosterone.net in your
article.
Following your link, I went to view "Death of a
Blueman" which I really did not find offensive to be honest.
I did find it to be retarded and a waste of my time and it
once again reinforces what I have long known - you and you're site
are a bunch of wannabee nobody's who strive (and unfortunately fail)
to be as humorous and as good as TMAG but you just lack a certain
"something".
At the end of this movie, I was taken by some sort of a
"link" to an article I penned for TMAG some time ago.
Since you neither have my permission or Tim Patterson's permission
to link to the web site, I am hereby asking you to remove the link
to our site immediately. If
you were 1/4 as funny as TC, your site might be worth visiting more
often.
But seeing this is the 1st time I have been to your site
since the criminal owner of Syntrax stuff money up your ass and
bought you out, you do the math :-)
As
I was exiting your....ahem...."interesting web site", I
stopped off at your "store" and noticed that all you carry
is Syntrax products (but then again, that's the name of your web
site, Syntrax Extreme and since Derek Cornholio is bank rolling
you...). it
got me to thinking...that perhaps I should make my requests to
remove the illegal link of COPYRIGHTED material to your master in
Cape Girardeau, Missouri.
Does Derek make you refer to him as "Mr.
Cornholio"?
Do you now have the same "relationship with God"
that Derek has?
I am wondering if that was a requirement for him to bankroll
you? How
is it you like to sign off by?
Oh yeah.... Hugs, Brock
Strasser Obviously
Mr. Strasser (Bruce Kneller) is a student of Anthony Robbins and
Dale Carnegie, as I've rarely seen someone with such good people
skills. I've often found it extremely effective to insult someone
and then make demands of them.
Works like a charm.
I can only imagine what dining a restaurant would be like
with Bruce. "Excuse
me waiter, I'd just like to tell you that you are perhaps the
ugliest sonofabitch I've ever seen in my life.
On top of that, you're clothes look like something salvaged
out of a Salvation Army dumpster.
Oh and here's your tip.
Lose some weight.
How's that for a tip?
Oh, and can you get me another glass of water?
Thanks." Now,
I must admit that I was a regular reader of Terry Christian's Atomic
Dawg column until doing so made me start to feel as if I was sharing
a cell with a guy named "Bubba".
The constant references to male genitalia were more than I
could take, I felt like I was being mentally assaulted with phallic
imagery.
I have no idea how TC does it, I
for one believe that anyone who manages to make sophomoric
jokes about the penis week in and week out should be revered as a
comedy genius.
Word has it that TC's office is filled with a collection of
dildos and artificial penises, which he lovingly strokes and nuzzles
for inspiration prior to each weeks column.
When
Bruce was kind enough to point out that I wasn't even 1/4 as funny
as TC, I realized drastic measures had to be taken.
I hired Sigmund Freud IV, great-grandson of the eminent
psychologist, to analyze some of TC's work and give me some insight
into how to be funny.
Here's an excerpt of his report… "Mr.
Luoma's work seems to be borne out of a perverted Oedipus Complex.
I also think that TC may be suffering from some form of penis
envy.
Of course, it is possible that he just has a strong
predilection to tongue-lash man-sausage." I
didn't quite understand the first part of his report, but that last
sentence was crystal clear.
I guess I'll have to settle for being second fiddle to TC,
he's obviously willing to….. ahem, go that extra mile to be funny.
Bruce was right, I must yield to TC's comedic genius. In
all honesty, I did try to contact Tim Patterson before we included
the link to Bruce's article.
Unfortunately, every time I tried to reach the guy, he was
unavailable.
That's understandable, from what I've heard about Tim and
from some of the things I've read in the pages of T-Mag, he's a busy
guy.
Whether he's starting another 1,500 mg a week cycle to
finally break past that 180 lb barrier (by the way Tim, how many
cycles is that for you now?) or breaking through the floor of an
apartment complex because of a set of heavy squats, Tim's plate is
FULL.
Tim's also been know to take the occasional road trip to beat
down someone who dares insult the sanctity of his publication or
supplement line.
That's a bit misleading, what actually happens is that Tim
stands absolutely still with his hands at his sides so TC can grab
him by the ankles and swing his bony ass around like a human
baseball bat.
I've heard the effect is somewhat like getting flogged with a
switch, his aerodynamic body creates a whistling sound as it cuts
through the air and apparently getting hit with Tim can leave some
pretty serious welts.
Ouch!
Out of fear that this piece may provoke the deadly
Luoma/Patterson tag-team, I've installed some safety measures at my
home.
Actually, all I did was put a grated storm drain in front of
my front door. While an average human can easily walk over this
barrier without fear, I made sure the gaps were large enough to
allow anyone of testosteronish proportions to easily slip through.
Take that!! For
whatever reason, Bruce likes to email me on a fairly regular basis
and shower both myself and the other wannabees here at AE with his
latest series of insults.
I can only imagine that Bruce goes to bed at night with a pen
and pad of paper next to his bed and ponders the next witty barb
he's going to throw my way.
Every time the light bulb goes off in his head, he scrambles
madly to get it down on paper. "OOOHHH,
that's a good one.
Those little bastards at AE are going to choke on this.
Damn that Jason Meuller! DIE, DIE, DIE!!!" Just
recently we held an emergency meeting here at AE headquarters,
located in beautiful downtown Roseville, CA.
The topic of discussion was how we could approach the level
of excellence set forth by Testosterone.net.
As we all sat shirtless around the oak conference table, I
asked Carol, my fiancé, to circle the table and spray our naked
torsos with copious amounts of Androsol in order to increase the
level of aggression in the room.
Grendel was excused from the Androsol application as the
thick and luxurious hair on his back prevented any kind of
absorption.
After about five hours of heated debate and Androsol
applications, we emerged from the room with serious rashes,
non-functioning gonads, and a top 10 list of what we needed to do.
AE WANNABEE LIKE T-MAG TOP 10 LIST
I
particularly enjoyed Brock's email when he made fun of Derek
Cornelius' religious convictions.
I too enjoy a good laugh at the expense of someone's belief
in a higher power.
Yes, many is the time when my friends and I have stood
outside local churches and thrown dirt clods at those entering a
Sunday morning service.
Even funnier is when we break into a church and hide all the
Bibles.
Just thinking about the resultant pandemonium is enough to
make my sides hurt with laughter.
Here
at AE we've made quite a few jokes at the expense of the T-Mag crew.
Quite honestly, this happens simply because Testosterone.net
and its staff of writers has proven to be an endless pool from which
I can draw humor.
I can't help but make fun of a group of people who claim to
be something they're not and are in fact the exact thing they claim
to despise.
I mean, who can't see the humor in a guy that claims to put
on 12 lbs in 14 days using a spray on topical prohormone, yet can't
manage to break 200 lbs despite years of steroid abuse?
What's not funny about a group of guys who claim to be
"dangerously hardcore" yet can't post their real pictures
on the Internet for fear that people will see them for what they
really are? And if a bunch of writers bashing the supplement
industry out of one side of their mouth and extolling the virtues of
Biotest out of the other isn't funny, I don't know what is.
Quite
frankly, I'm glad Testosterone.net is around.
It gives me a way to gauge my success.
Every email I get from readers thanking me for not becoming
"Testosteronish" tells me that I'm doing something right.
Please don’t think I'm saying that T-Mag isn’t a valuable
source of information, they’ve certainly managed to produce some
great material.
I particularly enjoyed reading the work of Charles Poliquin
when he was with their magazine and still like anything written by
Brian Batcheldor.
The problem is that half of T-Mag is nothing but an ad for
Biotest, and there's no easy way for a bodybuilding neophyte to sort
the wheat from the chaff.
In my personal opinion, T-Mag preys on the naiveté of many
of their readers in order to sell supplements, and that disturbs me.
In
closing, I'd like to address Brock directly just in case he slips up
and finds himself reading our horrible publication.
There is always the chance that he'll run out of psychotropic
meds and make a wrong turn cruising the Internet.
Bruce, every time I receive some of your correspondence, I
find myself laughing and my mood is immediately improved.
Keep it up. About the whole link thing, sorry, but we've
decided to keep it up.
It's not like we're claiming credit for your work Brock,
we're simply linking to an article on the T-Mag website.
If it really is bugging you, consult with an attorney.
I assure you, what we're doing is perfectly legal. Don't get
all in a huff my friend, be happy that someone is reading your work.
Sit back, take a Librium, and get some satisfaction out of knowing
you wrote something I thought others should read.
Hugs, Jason Meuller. |
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